blahblahblah title

I feel like I might run soon. I have to before I get hurt for real.

PS. I'm a freak and I'm writing down any thought I have that I want to text him. Eventually I'll snap and send it all to him.

HE BEAT ME AT MARIO KART.

Ha. So third date with Kyle last night.

It was super chill. He didn't get here until about 10:30 because he got trapped at home; I can't remember why. Something about people or dogs or something, who knows. We went for a walk, hung out in my room and talked, played mario kart, had nerdy talks, he fell asleep while I watched The Faculty.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE BEAT ME AT MARIO KART. Seriously, people? haha. And his nerd-ness is super cute. I think he might actually have me beat. Not in my heyday, but at my current level. I have to catch up. We talked a lot too but I feel like I wasn't as fun and stuff as I normally am. Maybe I'm still getting over the recent drama. He helped a lot though, and I hope he doesn't hold the not as fun against me.We didn't actually hook up or anything. I'm ok with that, I just hope it was actually because he was passing out from exhaustion and not because he didn't want to. Ha. He did kiss me goodnight though =). I do want him pretty badly. But even more, I want to be with him romantically and all relationship-y.

Awww, I just texted him that I can't believe he beat me at mario kart but that I still enjoyed it. And he said I shouldn't be surprised at his mario kart awesomeness, but it was still really fun to play someone that he could have actually lost against. VIDEO GAME COMPLIMENTS ARE THE MOST ADORABLE THING EVER.

My sleep schedule needs to be fixed. It's getting ridiculous, especially when I'm around normal people. He probably fell asleep for real around 3, while I watched the faculty and laid awake in bed until about 5:30. And then I couldn't stay asleep because I'm not used to cuddle sleeping anymore. So I kept waking up. I feel bad because of my incessant tossing and turning that kept waking him up. I'm gonna work on it haha.

I really hope he likes me. Well, I'm pretty sure he does. But mainly I mean I really hope he likes me enough. Enough to eventually seriously consider actually being together. Enough starring Jennifer Lopez. >_>

Anyway, end of boy blog post rant time.

The Alejandro video came out today. I like it but its definitely one of her weaker vids since she became all avant-garde. Although, it has a weird gay nazi jesus theme that I enjoy.

I need to figure out my financial aid for next year but its difficult. And I need a job so fucking bad. Like seriously.

I lied when I said my next entry would be about aspirations and things I want and all that jazz. Next time maybe?

Stupid Overly Positive Butterfly Metaphor.

It's been a few days. Not much has happened but I feel like everything's changed. I do have a renewed appreciation for the songs "Backstabber" by The Dresden Dolls and "Backstabber" by Ke$ha.

First of all, I'm serious this time. You've really become an ex-best friend. And I'm not upset about it in the least. Not an "I'm actually sad but I'm going to mask it with anger" kind of thing, but an actual happiness associated with losing you. So thank you. I finally feel free from everything you've put me through. This sounds so overly dramatic but that's ok. I'm gay, it happens. To quote Labyrinth, "You have no power over me." I'm such a dork. So yeah. That's that. I know you'll be in my life again but I will never, NEVER let you be a member of my wolf pack again.

I feel like I should apologize that my main topic will pretty much always be boys. I can't help it.

Anyway, next topic. Adorable Mr. Doe Eyes.
I have no idea what to think about him. I could easily want everything with him. I'm starting to want it already. My friend talks about this "pull". I think I finally know what she was talking about.

So I barely even know him, but I feel like I know him so well. I want to know everything about him. We text all the time and we've hung out twice. We might have our third date tonight (my first real third date ever, surprisingly). RANDOM TANGENT. Doe Eyes and I are the same person. But not in the bad way, in the way where something one of us says could easily come out of the other's mouth. Anyway. I know that I'll eventually want things to become more serious and possibly exclusive with him, if he even lets it get to that point.

Therein lies the problem. From what I've gathered, he is very anti-commitment at this point in his life. I am finally confident that he does like me back, and I think quite a bit. It takes a lot for me to think someone could be liking me, so I feel like I'm right about this. Anyway, he's given me some hints that he had his heart broken in the very recent past and he doesn't want to expose himself to hurt again. I understand, because from what he's said it was a situation between my own and that of my babygirl. He loved an asshole bestie. Whenever I describe my exbff to him, he gets weirded out because it was the exact same situation except they actually dated.

Occasionally I'll get him to open up to me. Doe Eyes will say things that I really need to question of him. He's already anticipating hurting me, and I need to stop him thinking that. The biggest thing that I've been thinking about is when he said "I don't want to hurt you. I'm dangerous when I'm not tied down." It's pretty obvious what that means but I have to confront him on it. He keeps telling me not to like him too much. I obviously like him a lot, but it's not like that. If he asked me to be exclusive with him, I would be on cloud nine. But I know the game, I'm realistic. I think we are more serious than most casual gay flings; we are by no means a couple. So I don't know. I'll do some nancy drew action and get back to you. I could talk about Doe Eyes forever but I'm gonna stop there before I embarrass myself any further.

I guess there's nothing left to do but rant about nothing. The informality of a blog is awesome. I don't care whether I sound crazy or even intelligent. I don't even give a fuck if anyone reads this. It just seems like I'll lie down, start thinking too much, and I'll need to write a post to clear my head. Why haven't I done this before?

I want some crab rangoons and my babygirl. And I've decided my next post will be about what I want, from the superficial to serious future talk.
Until then, watch out for the crazy. =) peace

I can't handle this right now.

Wow. I can't believe this.

That's all I have to say. I'm too upset to formulate real thoughts right now.
And by the way, its not what you actually did. Its that you went behind my back and lied to me. I thought I was safe from the way you treat people. Apparently I was wrong.

No Introduction Needed

I would do the standard first blog post, but I don't have time for that. When Kelsey told me I should make one of these, I of course responded "Sure, whatevs," figuring I would never write a single word. However, I am now full of rage and confusion caused by a cock that has wronged me and I find myself here.

Here we go. Straight into the rant. Brace yourself for the bitterness.

There are these standard phrases a guy says to avoid what he means. I'm sorry but my life has become "He's Just Not That Into You" and I must list out all the things I have been told in the past few minutes along with what they really mean.

What the fuck does it mean to like someone too much? "I like you, I'm just scared you like me too much." Stop right there, I'm calling bullshit. No. When you like someone, it is not a matter of who likes who more. All that matters is that I like you and you like me. Don't pull this pussy ass copout about being afraid that I'll like you too much. Just tell me that you don't like me enough to have any kind of actual relationship.

For that matter, what does it mean when a guy says that he doesn't know what he wants? I mean, come on. Most people don't start dating someone with any kind of expectations. You don't start out talking to someone by immediately planning your life with them. Well, most people wouldn't. But a savvy male will begin dating someone by claiming that he is even more confused than most with what he wants out of life and relationships. This allows him incredible leeway to do pretty much whatever the fuck he pleases without any pressure of commitment. A man saying he doesn't know what he wants is bullshit; he really means that he doesn't want to have to worry about anything more intense than casual sex and possibly a shallow friendship.

And you're guarded and avoidant with people? Fuck that, you just don't want to deal with me. That thing you're holding back from me? I figured it out. You honestly don't like me and will never want any serious relationship. When you say you're hard to read, sir, you are oh so wrong. I read you loud and clear. You can't afford to lose me but you won't give me anything.

Just let me go. I'll get over it, but I can't do it myself.